Some Observations

So, Zharm is one wierd place.  Here’s some stuff we know so far about the planet, the aliens, and all the other shit.

There’s two alien races- the Skendar and the Corpulons.  The Skendar are the main dudes here.  They’re pretty weird, but friendly.  They have psychadellic pheremones or some shit- we haven’t seen this because they cover themselves up in various colored scarves and stuff- kind of like a mummy covered in BANDAGES.

The Corpulons are totally gross.  They stink.  I cannot describe the stench.  They also look really gross.  Big blubbery dudes, with rolls of fat, and they ooze out this gross stuff.  Isador said he thought they looked like CREPES.  I said I thought he was being dumb.

The gas environment is pretty cold and FRIGID, so it’s a good thing we have those winter coats.  Pretty much required wearing when you’re out of the house.  There’s a bunch of rock island thingies floating around.  One of them was carved up to look like a statue.  One of the guys said it reminded him of a PHAROAH.  I thought it looked kinda like Elvis.

Most of the buildings are made out of BRICK.  Or something that looks like brick anyways.  They have these wierd spindly trees with some kind of purple FRUIT hanging on them.

Also, transport from one island to another is pretty freaky.  There’s these floaty spiky things- vaguly like PORCUPINES or Blowfishes- that might be vehicles.  The one we did ride in was a big living blimp-like creature, that traveled by, I shit you fucking not- shooting out some fluid or somethign.  Like a fucking BLADDER.  Kirg, our Skendar ambassador dude, seemed to be mentally DOMINATING the thing somehow.  Or maybe he’s just really intense.

So, Cor and Malaki got in so much shit.  So at the spaceport, I was checking out the money- it’s kind of cool, all these weird colored coins, with a spiral pattern on them.  They look kind of like lollipops.  Or PINWHEELS.  So they took the money with them (all fucking all of it!)  and got stuck in a fuckin sewer, and lots the money.  Then they say there were all these MONKEYS that were eating shit and grooming Corpulons and doing crazy shit, and then the sewer had all this shitwater in it, so the monkeys (and maybe the corpulons) SURFED out of there.  They came out of there smelling liek corpulon-ass.

Our house is okay.  There’s a big GAPING pit in the back, but our bathrooms are like bathroom NIRVANA or somethign.  Seriously, best fucking bathrooms ever.  We’re sleeping in them.

Malaki said he saw some Skendar ABSORBING what might have been sewer water.  Gross.  Maybe it was a day-spa.

Isador disappeared for a while, and when he came back, there was this LOUD screaming from next door.  He said he may have accidentally almost have seen a Skendar showering.  Big perv.  I went over to apologize.  It was kind of a weird conversation- my Skendar isn’t that good- and the alien practically BEGGED me to come in, and wanted to know what gender I was and shit.  So I come in, and immediately fall in the gaping pit- they have it right next to the door!  And then they wanted to have sex!  I got out of there pronto.

There’s a big wall around our island- like a SHELL.  According to some of the aliens, it’s because we’re under quarantine.  Since we’re from Earth, they think we might be INFECTED.  That seems like bullshit to me, but whatevs.  They say we can find or BUILD some survival suits.  THe corpulon gave us one.  It smells like ass.  Corpulon ass.

Maybe soon we’ll actually start on the exterior decorating.  Kirg gave us some little poseable statues- Malaki says they kind of remind him of MANNEQUINS.  Not sure what we’re supposed to do with those.

Signing Out!

Add a comment October 9, 2008

Here I Am, On Zharm

Finally figured out how to get this thing uplink to the blogosphere.

So, space is not all it’s cracked up to be.  I knew there would be risks and stuff, but this is nasty.  And living with these guys is going to be like the Real World, y’know?

So here’s my fellow astronauts.

Isador:  He’s from like Mexico or some shit.  He was a salesman, but he seems pretty smart, so maybe he read all those books.  He’s kind of a spazz, but whatevs.  He has Culture training.

Malaki:  Here’s this badass dude who spent some major time in jail.  That’s hardcore.  I haven’t talked much too him, but he could be good if things go south.  He has some Politics/Law training.

Cor:  So he’s some washed up baseball player or something.  Who the fuck cares about baseball?  Plus this fucker lost all of our money dicking around in a Corpulon sewer with shit monkeys or some fuck.  I mean, wtf?  He’s our Building Engineer.

Then there’s me.  What’s to say there?  I’ve spent the past year brushing up on medical knowledge.

So, we’re on Zharm, which is a bunch of rock clusters suspended in a chilly gas cloud.  Their buildings look like they’re made of bricks or some shit.  We’re in some alien ghetto or something, but there’s some wierd-ass Skendars next door.  I showed up, and all they wanted to do was have sex.

Our house is wierd.  There’s a pit, a kitchen, a living room, and four badass bathrooms.  These are like the best fucking bathrooms ever.  We’re sleeping in them.  Maybe we’ll build some beds and put them in there.  THere’s enough fucking room.

Oh, and Malaki found some wierd-ass Corpulon space suit.  It smells like Corpulon, which smells like ass.  Isador says they’res enough room for everyone.  Gross!

Sylvia Signing Out!

Add a comment October 8, 2008